The doctor said; Myself and Nurse Tagnut were both mystified by the enormity of Magzz’s spacehopper. Once the operation had begun, we soon uncovered the gigantic rock inside the kidney. I believe my first words were “Fuckin-ell fire Mary, we’ll need some manpower for this bastard.”After twelve hours of surgery, and the usage of 18 men, a JCB digger, and a dumper truck from a nearby building site. The missing stone was successfully extracted much to the relief of Magzz, who had this to say; “Thank fuck that’s over with, I always thought my ball sack was so massive because I asked my wife for anal sex six months ago, and she ended up banning all nookie ever since. I’m fucked if I know how the Stonehenge rock got into my kidneys though…. Its just great to be able to have a piss without feeling like you’re being dry bummed by a Rhinoceros. In fact, Since the operation I’ve been pissing for the fun of it. I’m like a dog in a new neighbourhood.”

Maggz’s extracted kidney stone pictured next to Badger’s gigantic bogey picking finger for scale.

BMW RECRUIT THOMAS THE MEDIC
Bmw have announced the acquisition of another member.
He likes to be known as Tom but is now known to all as
THOMAS because it gets on his tits. Quote; "Stop calling me Thomas! My mum calls me that and I hate it!" After a weeks gruelling BMW initiation period headed by
Harry the Bastard E5150. Thomas was recognised as slightly deranged and therefore accepted with a warm straightjacket hug. Thomas will wear the tag APHEX*BMW* and if you see him in a game please do not forget to call him Thomas. Better still; "Thomas u wanker" or "Thomas u bender." etc.

CONFESSIONS OF THE GIMP
Earl has had his head kicked in for the umpteenth time this week by trying his colossal one liner on the first unsuspecting bird. "so i hear u like ass raping then?"
Earl confessed to Doctor Mojo about his bad luck and is looking for advice on how to attract the opposite sex with the least amount of spade work, a feat mind you that has plagued the minds of men around the world for millions of decades. If one should happen to come across a sure winner of a one liner, please leave your ingenious one liner on the BMW forum. Just remember rob has tried them all. So it’s got to be original.

NEW HYPNOTIST IN TOWN
There’s a new amazing hypnotist in town and he’s taking the BMW forum by storm. Rave reviews show that the lion eating a lollypop has caused an enormous up surge in the lets have a shag department. One small draw back to the hypnotic graphic on the forum is that it’s also causing people to just sit and watch rather than post.

YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS ONE LADS
In an amazing uncontroversial new post “YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS ONE LADS” BMW forum post has achieved new heights and lows never seen before. Comments and quotes from the post will be remembered for years to come. I myself one
day will be sitting on the porch looking back on the good ol days, then suddenly sit up and say, “JESUS CHRIST BANANAS IN PYJAMAS I remember the good ol days of councils and faptastic fit birds spamming the forum with their tits out.”
The post reached a new record of 1584 views on the 01.03.2004 and still continues to grow as each member adds their bit to the controversial lamenting. But never and I say never mention WILLYS.

ARGOS SUPERSTORE ANNOUNCE
MAJOR PROFITS
Catalogue chain 'Argos' yesterday announced massive profits believed to be caused by massive sales ofA punch bag known as 'The Rob bag.'

Chief executive Mr Nigel Cockscratch speaking at Last nights A.G.M declared the sales Of 6.5 million 'Rob bags' in less than 6 months. There was also mounting speculation about the future release of a stress ball in the shape of Rob (Earl BMW's) head.

BMW’S GIRL ONLY TEAM TO HIT SERVERS SOON

The much talked about BMW girls only team will hit the servers soon as they reveal this smorgasbord of totty in an unprecedented move.

BUTT LUBE MODEL SIGNS NEW 2 YEAR CONTRACT
Butt Lube model Geordie has signed a new 2 year contract with the manufactures of Butt Lube

JBI SQUAD TO LAUNCH 18+ FORUM
It has come to our attention that JIB are to launch the much talked about 18+ forum in conjunction with BMW. This will be the place to swap good ol porn site links and other Faptastic things.

I SAY, IS THAT A LEONBURGER?
Lord Harry the bastard was spotted walking his leonburger the other day on Widemouth beach front.

(LEONBURGER)
He was also involved in a small incident where he was confronted by a rather puckered fella and asked “I say … is that your Leonburger sniffing my wife’s crotch?”
To which Harry replied
“I believe it is. “ Some words were said between the 2 parties and Harry continued to walk his dog then let it have one of the biggest craps we have ever seen.
Later on that same day another report was brought to our attention where an anorak reported that some sick twat had buried a large dog terd and placed some nuts and bolts into it so that it showed on his metal detector. Much to his disgust he had dove hands first into the suspected treasure and was confronted by a terd that could have only been laid by a Leonburger. Were the two incidents related? Only Harry will know.

TORONTO FLASHER STRIKES AGAIN

The Canadian Police and Mounties were last night looking for a man known to Toronto locals as ‘The Phantom Pisser.’ Over the past two weeks there have been several sightings of a stocky chap with a fishing rod urinating on buses, trains, fast food restaurants and even on gravestones in the graveyard. Mrs Ann Supifyoulikebacon, the local florist and key eye-witness had this to say; “I was in the local newsagents on Tuesday when I glanced out of the window. To my surprise I saw a chap relieving himself on a lamp post. I can’t be sure, but I’m sure he was shouting something about kidney stones.”
If you have any information on this man, please leave it on the BMW Forum.

CONTROVERSY OVER BLISS’S COCK SOCK
Not too sure where to turn next bliss in a controversial turn, hit out at Wabbit in an unprovoked attack and stunned Wabbit into submission. There have been rumours spreading about on the BMW forum of late that Bliss is chewing on Wabbit XXXXL Cock Sock. She totally denies the charges and then attacked wabbit in a fashion that hasn’t been witnessed in a yam bags age. Wabbit has been quoted saying , “Yes that is my cock sock, Yes she is chewing on it, and no I never gave it to earl in the ABU (ass bandit united) meeting as a business card !!!”
Sources are saying Wabbit is in a bad state after the attack. Even though Wabbit has proof that the cock sock is his, Bliss is still denying the statement that it was given to her by Wabbit.